As parents, we sometimes see our children as an extension of ourselves. I grew up with one of those parents, where every move I made was not my own, but a reflection of who she was. And now, I fear, I’m becoming that parent.I don’t do it as much to my son as I do it to my daughter. I see so much of me in her. And because as a child I experienced so much insecurity and loneliness, plus an overall feeling of being less than, I guess somewhere deep inside I want my daughter to be immune to those sufferings.With my best intentions, I ride her – every day. I try to control her every move. And those times when I notice what I’m doing and decide to hold back and let her be, what it feels like to be me at that moment is nothing less than a caged animal salivating to attack.What I fear the most is, in fact, what I’m creating. I know that. I imagine it’s like an addict who knows that with every intake, she’s killing herself. She’s just one step closer to her grave — her own greatest fear.My impulse to be driven by the fear of imperfection has poured into my creativity. I used to write simply to express, communicate, and connect. One of my earliest memories of writing was sitting in my bedroom in high school documenting all the love stories of my friends. I didn’t have any of my own yet to tell, ha! So I told their stories instead.I didn’t write so the story would be published. I didn’t write in hopes that the story would reach my “ideal reader” in order to grow my brand. I didn’t even write it for a reader. Although, I’m pretty sure a nosey mother might have been my first audience. Can I blame her?!In the past, I would write this kind of post almost as a form of punishment. There is always honesty in my writing, but I’m starting to realize there is also a tinge of self-loathing. I don’t want to write like that anymore.I don’t want to write about my shortcomings just so that the record shows I told you first. Rather than you discovering later that I’m not as perfect as I’d like to be — or as perfect I think you want me to be.Bringing our faults to the light doesn’t mean they’re forgiven, nor does it mean they deserve punishment. What if bringing them to the light were about connection and self-compassion? Two topics I’m still learning about. What if coming clean was more about respect for the natural human suffering we all experience rather than penance?So that’s where I am. I’m not looking to erase my shortcomings. I’m not even looking to understand them, because that to me is another form of perfection hunting. I’m just simply looking to hug them, and be able to come to them with an open heart and say, “It’s okay,”
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