Kali Rogers is today’s guest on the Curiously You podcast, and we are speaking about finding your own voice, particularly when you fear that it will cause tension with others, or you believe it will cause you shame.
As a coach, Kali needed to show up as a leader by speaking her own truth and set an example to the clients who she was supporting find their voice. This allowed her to come into integrity in her work and inspire others to do the same.
We dive into real-time strategies for speaking up, rather than keeping our voice suppressed within, creating an internal strength by becoming crystal clear on your values, and feeling your full embodiment, and moving past any people-pleasing tendencies.
This episode is perfect for you if you:
Struggle with a paralysing fear of speaking up as an entrepreneur, or in your career.
Feel an uncertainty in yourself ,which you feel exacerbates your fear of speaking up, you think regularly “is this my truth?”
Your people-pleasing tendencies mean you don’t want to upset anyone through speaking up and you want to release this once and for all.
Time Stamped Notes
3:35 Kali’s shares her personal and professional struggles of being an entrepreneur and a coach. She felt immense pressure to stand out and find her own voice, and to put out her work publicly. Her clients experienced this too, the struggle to speak their voice without causing tension with their parents, partners, and friends.
The real work was work she needed to do on herself: to be at the leading edge and show up fully embodied as herself, in her voice, and to address her worries and one by one.
5:31 Her struggles as a coach were peoples’ assumption that she had it all together. She would help her clients find their voice, break through their fears, and be their authentic selves. As a result she had to look in the mirror and fight her own internal fears and worries. There was a need to live what she preached: if she tells her clients to stand up for themselves and what they believe in, Kali also had to do the same.
08:16 During the most recent election in the States, she had a need to connect with people who felt the same way. This allowed her to step into her political embodiment and speak her mind through her blog, despite being introverted at heart, and not very opinionated. She understood the benefits she brought to those people who tuned in, which outweighed any of the drawbacks and hesitations she had to speaking her mind.
12:23 From her conversations with her clients, she notices there is pressure from within their minds, and real-time consequences of speaking up, for example, their bosses who push them back, they have co-workers who ignore them, or they are silenced in meetings.
15:09 Kali shares the strategies on how to speak up, and instead of actually just complying. This lies in the importance of setting a tone and healthy patterns, and allowing yourself to take a 30-second pause to think. This will train you to get better at responding in-the-moment, so you can get what you really want without compromising own plans.
Kali also discusses silence as a negotiation tactic, finding out where your boundaries lie, and how to protect them.
23:01 Kali’s advice for someone who wants to establish their boundaries: “Nothing's going to change until you can strengthen them. Which really circles back to values, what are your values and where are your values.”
Kali helps other go through a values inventory: what is it they really value. Why that person finds it difficult to stand up for their boundaries. Is it because those values do not mean that much, or are they are afraid to enforce those values? What means a lot to them, why, where did that value come from, what are they willing to do to protect it.
34:51 For Kali shame is a fear of feeling vulnerable. Shame occurs when what we want is no longer private and sitting inside of us. It is a pretty personal experience, but it's magnified times ten when we release it, because we feel exposed, vulnerable and uncomfortable, especially if its new territory for us.
Kali realised that a lot of her fear of vulnerability and shame all came from being a people-pleaser early on. She did not even think that people-pleasing was important to her, yet she found herself in an entrapped place where you feel impelled to continually do so. However, people-pleasing is impossible: you're going to ruffle feathers, and you're not going to please everybody, but by default, it seems, people-pleasing has become a value.
45:03 Cherry-picking value from other’s opinions is valuable, take what you want, and leave the rest behind. Understand that you don't have to take on all other’s views, in order to connect with somebody.
45:32 Kali talks about the benefits of owning your voice and speaking your mind, being in the embodiment of who you are without shame and guilt.
In terms of business, new opportunities will come to you, your branding gets a lot better as a business owner, and things tend to click. Life just becomes a little easier you don't have this consuming shame and this consuming pressure that sits on your shoulders. You are not constantly second-guessing yourself.
54:13 Kali’s book “How to get your shit together in your 20’s”, has stories about her journey and her clients’ journeys about how to live your best life in your 20s. It’s a very in-your-face, bratty big sister, tough self-help book, and has advice that covers self-love, career, and relationships.
56:09 Kali’s advice to women trying to find their voice, who wants to speak their mind and set their boundaries, without being pushed over…
“You are worthy just because you exist. Like you have everything you need just because you're here right now. And so if you could just cultivate that strength to present to the world what it is that you have, like you're just going to be set.
But that you don't need a reason or you don't need justification in order to share what you have.”
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